I haven’t had the urge to write like this in so long. But so much has happened lately, and my life is moving so fast. And it seems like the faster it goes, the more i slow down in a way.

I tend to get caught up in my own head…i have this propensity to live inside my thoughts. It’s hard for me to tell any person how i really feel.

Over the past few months, i’ve realized so many of my struggles…and one that breaks my heart is that i have such a hard time opening up. I can fake a smile or just ignore a feeling and i eventually believe myself.

What i’m saying is i can talk myself into not caring. I mean any time you tell yourself anything enough, eventually you’ll probably believe it.

The Lord revealed to me a few months ago, that in hiding myself from everyone else, i had begun to hide myself from him. To this day, one of my biggest struggles with my relationship with the Lord is just telling him how i feel. Telling Him im mad, or sad, or let down, scared, disappointed, excited even…you name it.

Something about my feelings, sharing them, is so personal to me, and through past experiences i came to a point where i was scared to put them out there, even to my Savior.

In showing me that about myself, the Lord put a thorn in me, in a way.

I hated that i was like that. I hated that i trusted him with so much but not really with my feelings. The struggles of others hearts, they were near to me and constant in my prayers. But the struggles of my own heart were hard to talk to God about. Our dialog was limited i guess…

That being said, I’ve been learning so much and im ready to share a little.

I have a great friend in my life who has said “God always sees you at your best” and he reminds me if God can see me at my best, then thats the way i should see others. There is no judgement with that kind of heart.

I have this other great friend who told me once ” You’ll never be able to do anything good enough to make God love you more and you’ll never be able to do anything bad enough to make God love you less.” And while i knew that in my head, my heart needed to hear it. I’m not in some kind of competition, or show. I’m not doing things and acting a certain way to gain God’s affection. I already have that. i always have.

Lately, i’ve had a heart-struggle with courage, and letting go of fear….with allowing God to hold what already belongs to Him. I’ve had to daily beg God to help me give up this situation, this circumstance. And i was frustrated and a little overwhelmed. I was drowning in my own fears in a way. I couldn’t really give them up.

A few nights ago, God gave me a vision. And im not talking anything dramatic. He just gave me this picture of a pool that was being filled with water. And he spoke to me about something i wanted. He told me that, yes, i could jump in now, but the pool is still being filled and the water is still a little too shallow and if i jump its going to hurt. And i wont die, but it will be painful, and it might ruin a great part of the experience for me.

And i took that with stride, but then, as usual, he caught my heart.

He said, Jenny, what if someone else jumps with you, and they experience something painful, and you let them, even though you knew the water wasn’t deep enough yet.

And that’s where he got me, because my God knows me. He knows the compassion i have for people, that i can’t stand the idea of hurting anyone, or someone hurting. Especially because of me.

He told me i’m not full yet, i’m not ready for this thing i want. But one day i will be full, and then ill be ready, and the experience will be good. And it will be worth the wait. And he will give me this and all the desires of my heart.

He told me he has every good thing for me in store. That everything in my life is put in place for a reason, setting me up for that experience. But i have to wait, or i’ll miss out on it.

And i said, Lord…you’ve taken so much from my life in the last year. And i don’t know if i can handle you taking much more. And i swear i felt his touch when he said, no child, i haven’t taken anything from you. Don’t you see? I’ve made all this room in your life, i’ve moved things around, put them in their place. Because something is coming thats big, and i need to make room for it. I’m filling you, so that one day, the water will be perfect and you can jump. And your life will be ready for that.

I am so stubborn. So prideful.

But i’m thankful for this reminder.

My life is not my own. And Thank God i don’t get to make my own plans.

I needed this, this assurance that this thing doesn’t have to be made ready for me, because it is a perfect work of God. But i need to be made ready for this good and perfect thing.

And when it’s hard, when i’m unsure, when i see this promise on the horizon and i can almost taste it, i want to reach for patience. I want to reach for peace. I want to reach for joy. I want to reach for Jesus.

Because i can be sure that when i jump in the water, it wont be with my pride, it wont be with jealousy, i wont be jumping in with selfish ambition, i wont be taking worry, i wont be carrying shame, and i wont be weighed down by fear.

I’ll be ready.

After listening to a podcast someone urged me to listen to, i wrote this. And i can’t stop thinking about something Judah Smith says in it.

He says, ” Jesus is the sum and the substance of all God’s promises because he is both the fulfiller and the fulfillment.”

He was speaking about promises…how do we know what to do with promises that are unfulfilled in our lives and he said “When did we get this thought that we lack anything? i lack no good thing. For every good thing comes from Jesus.”

And that is what i know is true. All i need is Jesus. He is my provision. He is my sustainer. He is every good and real thing in my life.

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