This is a post I have to write. I literally have no choice but to put this out for the world to see.

This is not about me. This is about what Jesus has done for me.

I’ve made some horrible choices in my past. I have wrecked things and thrown away friendships. I have challenged God at every turn and pushed him away while asking him why he isn’t taking care of me.

I have put Jesus back on the cross over, and over, and over.

I’ve been the crowd, hating him. I’ve been the pharisees, despising him. I’ve been the guards, whipping him.

I’ve walked away from him, I’ve run away from him, I’ve told him i know best, I’ve told him I could handle it, I’ve told him I don’t need him, I’ve told him he doesn’t understand.

I’ve shunned him and I’ve mocked him, I’ve called him a liar and a fool.

I’ve crucified him.

And after all of that, I opened my eyes.

And there He was.

In my fear, my shame, and my sin, I forgot.

I forgot God’s promises.

The Lord tells me in Psalms that if I am faithful, diligent in seeking God, He too will be faithful to me.

-” Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by the streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers. ”

That is not meant to say that we will financially prosper, but that whatever we do, if we are being faithful to God then it will be of the Lord, and if it’s of the Lord, then we will prosper in it!

God is so faithful to the faithful. And while I messed up so many times along the way, God has shown me just how faithful He is to me. He came through for me. He came to my rescue. And when I felt the most alone, I never was. When I felt like I was the only one praying, He had others, people I didn’t even know, praying for me. God is so faithful.

His promises are true.

“When I cry unto you, then shall my enemies turn back: this I know, for God is for me. ” – Psalms 56:9

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:10

“For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” – Isaiah 41:13

“But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.” – 1 Cor 15:57-58

“Now thanks be to God who always causes us to triumph in Christ, and through us shows the Savior of His Knowledge in every place.” – 2 Cor 2:14

“But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me; that by me the preaching might be fully known, and that all the Gentiles might hear: and I was delivered out of the mouth of the lion. And the Lord shall deliver me from every evil work and preserve me unto His heavenly kingdom.” – 2 Timothy 4: 17-18

“I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord.”- Psalm 118:17

“But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.” – Romans 8: 10-11

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9

These are all promises God gives us.

He says he will protect us,

be with us wherever we go,

comfort us,

uplift us,

literally take our hand and help us!

wow.

It’s hard to imagine that God would be willing to do that for me. I’m so worthless in my eyes. I could never do anything good enough, big enough, special enough, to deserve any attention from the Lord, much less deserve saving grace, endless mercy, and unfailing love.

I recently went through a time of confusion in my life. You know the time I’m talking about. I prayed and got no where, never sure if I was praying with an open heart or praying for what I wanted. When I did feel like I had an answer I second guessed myself, wondering if it was God answering me or me choosing to make a decision because I was tired of waiting.

At some point I stopped praying for an answer and I started praying a prayer that went something like this:

“Lord, you tell me this is scripture, “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” and I believe that with all my heart. You know me, Lord. You know my heart. And you know my desires. You know my confusion right now. I know that confusion is not of you. But I also know that your Word is true and that you won’t allow me to go through anything I cannot bear but when I do go through a trial you always provide a way out. I’m asking for you to make a way. Give me a way out from under this, Lord. Take this burden from me. Have your way, not mine.”

That was when things changed quickly. A series of events led to God showing me what was right, making a way for me, and giving me strength to get through the fire and to the other side.

At first I could hardly believe God had been faithful. As pathetic as that sounds, to quote the scripture, “I believe Lord, help mine unbelief”…that’s where I was at. I was praying and believing, but Jesus had to help me with my unbelief by showing me just how faithful he is.

I felt so alone in that time. But after, I was amazed. God brought me through it, shielded me from what could have been consuming pain, and literally wrapped His arms around me. He gave me so much peace, filled me with His Holy Spirit, whispered words of love and comfort to me, and pointed me in His direction.

It’s so easy to fall into a habit of wanting God’s power and God’s blessings but not his presence. We, including myself. tend to ask things of God, without actually wanting God present to carry out His will.

In the storm, sometimes we compromise. We want the power of God to control the situation. We want the blessings of God to make the situation good. But we don’t want the presence of God to make the situation right in whatever He sees fit.

I’m looking at it from the other side, and God is slowly revealing to me all that I longed to see during the trial. But it wasn’t the time. I felt like my faith was weak. I felt confused. But if you read nothing else from this, know this:

CONFUSION IS NOT OF GOD. WEAKNESS IS NOT OF GOD.

If I was confused, that did not come from God. If it did not come from God, it came from Satan.

If I was weak, that did not come from God. If it did not come from God, it came from Satan.

I was both. But I kept praying, not even sure what I was praying for at that time, aside from rescue. I was just begging God for help. And throwing His promises at Him, telling him I KNEW he would come through for me.

And God helped my unbelief.

And now I see all that he was doing. He has revealed to me women in my church who were praying when I had no idea anyone knew what was going on.

He has given me wonderful relationships to fall back on, men of God in my life, women of God in my life. My family who has loved me and supported me.

But most of all, God has been SO faithful to me. It literally brings tears to my eyes. He let me fall to learn, but extended a hand to me all in the same breath to pick me up, and guide me once again.

He pursued me so hard, making sure He was never out of my sight. He showed me His love for me. His desire for me. His need for me.

And it is absolutely overwhelming to know my Lord and Savior sees me that way.

But it’s true. He sees all of us as priceless and He desires our love, pursues our hearts.

After all the hurt, I am thankful.

Because I understand so much better how He loves me. I thought I knew before, but God helped my unbelief.

He gave me freedom from my sin.

He gave me freedom from my burden.

He gives me freedom daily in the love He has for me.

He has freed me so completely from myself.

From sin.

And I am speechless..

It’s hard to comprehend that kind of love.

I put Jesus on the cross, every day.

And every day, he keeps me off it.

He took the cross so i wouldn’t have to.

He took death so I would have life.

He took pain so I would have an example.

He took all the world’s sin because He loves me.

And because of that,

He is mine. And I am his.

The power of Christ lives in me because I have freedom in the Cross.

“The Lord is my strength and song and is become my salvation.” – Psalm 118:14

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him.”- Jer 17:7

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