Last night i was devastated, just depressed and confused.

What did i do?

You’d think i went straight to the Word, straight to my knees, straight to my deliverer.

But i didn’t…i blogged, i cried, i slept….and not surprisingly, i woke feeling the same way i did when i fell asleep.

But this morning, while reading someone’s blog, i was reminded of some advise a great friend gave me last night….very deep, inspiring advise…

Pray about it, ask the Lord what to do

Profound huh?

Surely, i would’ve thought of that …and i did. For months i asked the Lord to give me the desire of my heart, to make a way for me to obtain what i sought, what i longed for more than anything.

But after a time, i quit praying, i quit trusting in the Lord, and that’s when life got to me.

This morning, after reading another’s blog, it really stuck with me. It really spoke to me.

and told me how wrong i’ve been.

Instead of praying, i cried.

Instead of looking to God, i blamed him.

Instead of allowing him to lead me through it, i pulled away from him.

It’s funny how i seem to do that, when things are great…my relationship with God is mediocre because my life is too good to need his assistance, but when things are bad, i run to him….yet as soon as i quit having faith that the Lord will change my circumstance, i give up, walk away…and …pout?

Today i got in the word, not for hours, but minutes.

I got on my knees, in the bedroom of my condo, and i prayed for the Lord to deliver me from my circumstance, from my pain, from my devastation.

I asked my Savior to save me from my arrogance, my ignorance, and forgive me of my stubborn mind set. I begged the Lord to take my situation from my hands and hold it in his, mold it in his, and make it new, changed. I asked God to change me. Mold me. Make me new.

My heart hurts even as i write this, because i know i failed my Father once again, and in a time where i should’ve had faith in his promises.

But i got off my knees, got in His Word…and he gave me scripture after scripture, promise after promise…

Psalms 32:7

“You are my hiding place; You will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Psalm 33:17

“A horse is a vain hope for deliverance. Despite all it’s great strength it cannot save. But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love.”

Psalm 34:4

I sought the Lord and he answered me; He delivered me from all my fears.”

Psalm 34: 17-18, 22

“The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” >>> how could i forget this?

“The Lord redeems His servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in Him.”

Psalm 72: 12

“For He will deliver the needy who crry out, the afflicted who have no one to help.

Hosea 5:15

“And they will seek my face; in their misery they will earnestly seek me.”

God knows. He knows our hearts, our inner-most beings. He knows our plan, my plan….and mine would go a lot more smoothly if i gave him my life reigns, if i gave him the opportunity to not only show me all that he has for me, but GIVE me all that he has for me.

A stubborn heart is a snare of the devil. it’s an escape route to the fear we have in giving our lives over to Jesus. We want control because it means we are making all the decisions, which is a much easier thing than allowing a greater Being to make them for us. But where is the faith in that? There is none. It takes no faith to lead your own life, make your own plans….that’s not the faith of a servant.

So i’m starting over, i’m praying, i’m searching the Word, and asking God every second to allow me to give up the reigns. I do not want to lead a life that i wasn’t meant to own.

Make me a servant, Lord. Humble me. Change my heart. Change my life. Teach me to be a woman after Your heart Lord…

I can’t find joy, be happy, and live for myself at the same time.

Change is here.